So I've been pondering really what to do lately, things seem to be spiraling out of control. I've heard at least a thousand times that things tend to get worse before they get better, and I believe it-but damn how bad are they supposed to get?
All my life I've wished for the perfect man I had a checklist in my head that no one of course could ever even compare to until I met Barrett. I realized that he did exist only my checklist was a small tidbit of my perfect guys true potential. So it leaves me with a predicament-do I let him go or do I fight to the death in a battle that is not even mine?
I found out yesterday that his father is very sick and considering that his dad lives in California and I live in Florida there is a large possibility that he is leaving. I have really no right to tell him to stay considering only a yr. ago did he move out here planning to stay for maybe a few months to help his friend with his recording studio. He has needed to go back for months now but has stayed for me. Also only 7 mths ago did his mother pass away while he was here and he feels he owes it to his father, whom he is practically best friends with rather then just being father and son. I can't tell him to stay, but I can't let him go-you don't find that perfect man but maybe once in your life and if you know he's the one that you just don't let him go. fuck that saying that if you let something go and it comes back it's meant to be. Whoever said that didn't lose their one true love, or has lived their entire life regretting it.
I'm willing to move to California but I can't now and I'm so afraid when he's gone he's gone for good it isn't supposed to happen like this.

On a sorta good note despite the extremely suffocating news of possibly losing my boyfriend, I saw the Deftones yesterday and of course they were amazing. Chino didn't stand in front of me on the rail this time which was disappointing, nor did he stand anywhere near me and Chi didn't acknowledge my screaming like he did the girl next to me but whatever I'm never satisfied, blah, blah, blah...
I'll always have the first Deftones show I've gone to where I had Chino's crotch in front my face for over 5 minutes, at least that thought will always bring a smile to my face because damn do I need it.
there that felt better...